Heels together, knees apart.
Intro: Smear tests are never a fun day out and over the years they’ve been something I really truly struggled with. I’m talking panic attacks mid examination, not fun for anyone in the room! I have shared before about some of the coping strategies I have since found. There are even more developments since then and so if this piece feels relatable, know that I am in a much better place with this now thanks to open conversations with my GP and the various new options and support available which were not there before. Women’s healthcare and the expectation of acceptance of pain for women is deeply problematic and wrong. I glad there have been improvements, they were a long time coming.
Heels together, knees apart.
That's all I was told about right at the start.
Well apart from the fact that there would be,
now what was the word they used…let me see.
It wasn't pain, no.
And nor was it panic.
No nothing quite so true,
That’s just me being “silly” and “manic“.
It wasn't tears and for sure it wasn't stress.
For heavens sake they never even said how much I should undress…
…Mistakes. Were. Made.
DISCOMFORT!
Diiiissss-comfort.
Yes, yes, that was the chap.
See, nothing too serious, no need to flap.
And everyone does it, it's just what is done
Well I found out much later, it's not that easy for some.
You see I wasn't alone in how I reacted.
In fact it was common to be so distracted by feelings of tension, of puuuulling, of fear.
Not unusual to cry, STOP!
That, much later, I'd hear.
No not enough had been spoken, and not enough shared,
Each time I lay back I was quite unprepared.
Each visit grew tenser, my held breath and fast heart.
As I lay heels together and let my knees fall apart.