It’s August in Edinburgh, which of course means only one thing, Fringe season. I’m an Edinburgh lass, born and bred, so it’s been part of the seasons of the year forever for me and whilst I may have some issues with some of it’s development over the years, I can honestly say I LOVE IT, always have. Even when working through a hangover in my lovely electric blue tartan skirt in one of the old style tourist shops on Princes Street selling tinned haggis and aran jumpers to tourists as my part-time job during my student years.

I love the variety, the way the city changes it’s whole energy, the weird and wonderfulness of it all and of course the neverending opportunity to discover new favourites. Over the years I’ve collected a few of those, one being Mr Nick Helm.

I first saw him perform as part of a stand up night with three or four others. It was the same event I went to most years and where I'd first seen other acts like Ross Noble and Dylan Moran.

After that I bought tickets to see his full show and have seen again since then as well of course as enjoying his TV performances and sitcom Uncle.

My health, if you aren't familiar with my background, is less than great. I have had Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME) since I was 29. I've had good periods and bad during this time, the last few years being the latter.

That's meant that the Fringe has been a no go for me in recent years. Partly Covid, it was cancelled in 2020 and I definitely still wasn’t taking risks in 2021, I really have enough going on without anything more added into the mix!

But last year, 2022, I really felt it. It wasn't Covid stopping me, well not completely, it was more my inability to get to venues, stay awake (always a good attribute in an audience member) and to cope with sensory overload with the noise, crowds and lights.

If you've not been to the Fringe before, it's a lot. There's so many people, it's kinda loud, it's busy, there's shows and venues everywhere, some tucked away in very old parts of the city, others in temporary constructions that pop up across town every August and nothing ever really seems to stop.

And when I'm well, all of that are things I love. Many folk, myself included talk about going into town just to soak up the atmosphere during the fringe and, again, when I'm well, I’d love nothing more. But when I'm not, even the thought of it is overwhelming and anxiety inducing.

So no, no matter how much I tried to convince myself maybe I could take time off, build in rest time, get friends to help etc etc, I had to face to the fact I was physically unable to “do the fringe”. It would have been rotten anyway but if you can remember how much we all needed to go to places and do things after two years of lockdowns, I REALLY felt left behind and struggled seeing everyone get back out there while I was still stuck at home by myself in a different type of isolation. The Fringe became such a big thing in my head and emotionally, not being part of it at all felt like a huge reminder of my situation. It’s one thing after all when we’re all stuck inside, quite another when everyone else is now out there but you.

Then on day 17 of his What Have We Become tour, Nick Helm mentioned in his daily Fringe selfie on Instagram that his show that day would be streaming on NextUpComedy. I’ve just looked up this old post and can see my response to it. I’d forgotten I was having a bit of an ME flare that day but I was determined I was watching. So I signed up, battled with technology not working as it should and eventually created a set up in my livingroom where I could watch whilst resting. I was so excited, and yes, when there was audience participation (think it was arm waving) I took part, I clapped, I laughed out loud, I loved it. Not only was it an excellent show but I was doing the Fringe! There had been a way for me to be included and part of something that had always been part of my world. It brought me all the dopamine I really needed right then but the truth is I would not have known about it without that post.

We all did the zoom thing during the height of covid and that included streaming live shows that hadn’t been done before but it’s just not thought of for people in my situation as a standard way to allow all to be included. Is it as good as the real thing? Being there in person? No. Of course it isn’t. But do you know what it’s a thousand times better than? Not seeing it at all!

And now, here we are, Fringe 2023 and my health, whilst not 100% is miles better than last year. And I know you are all thinking, great, you got to see Nick live!! Well yes and no. I didn’t actually get tickets for his show. I’d love to but I’m still not 100% I’m ready for the sensory overload that is likely to be something called Nick Helm’s Hot ‘n’ Heavy Weekend….especially starting at 11pm BUT …..drumroll please….I met him!

It was right before seeing another comedian I love, Moses Storm. I had never had the chance to see Moses perform live and spotted he was having his first Fringe show. It’s called The Perfect Cult and is an interactive show which I could see involved some walking. I was keen but nervous if i’d manage so asked a comment on IG (it’s where I lightly stalk all my favourite comedians apparently) if I’d need my wheelchair and how much walking was involved. Moses replied almost immediately letting me know there wasn’t much but whatever I needed, they would make work, giving me the reassurance and confidence I could do this.

And do this I did. I went along to the Pleasance last night ready to join the cult for the night and whilst wandering around ahead of the show found myself standing right next to none other than Nick Helm. Well, determined as I am these days to let folk know when they have made a difference they may not even be aware of, I took the opportunity to thank him for sharing that post and the huge positive impact it had had on me last year. He seemed genuinely pleased to hear this and given how open he has been about his own experience with depression I know he’ll have understood what all this had meant to me.

Then, after co-creating the Perfect Cult with Moses and his audience, and hearing him be incredily open and vulnerable about his own challenges of not feeling included I again took the opportunity to let him know how he had made it possible for me to be included and give me the reassurance and confidence that it was safe for me to try.

So here I am today, low on energy and high in pain. It’s a recovery day full of naps and brain fog but also full of smiles. I got to do something I’ve wanted to do for quite a few years, I got to see a fantastic show and I got to speak to two people I admire and let them know how their actions made a big positive difference to me.

Not bad for a Friday night!

Thank you again Moses and Nick. I hope you both have an amazing Fringe and look forward to seeing you at future shows be it in real life or from my sofa.